When I was a little girl, my grand mother always force me to shower and wash my hair in the morning of hari raya. That' time no water heater , she boiled a big pot of water and then mixed with cold water so she got a warm water.
One by one she shower us, me and my other two sister.I didn't like the routine, I tried to hide and stay away from her as far as I could. But always failed. She found me and force me to shower and washed hair. I am not scared of her, I just don't like the feeling when she wash my hair and pour my whole body with water and the smell when she applied soap and shampoo. There is something I couldn't tell that make my body shake, cold, scared and feel unsecured.
My grand mother pass away when I was 11 years old. But the routine of her in the morning of Hari raya never go away from my mind. After she died Till now, I never shower and wash hair in the morning. If I force myself, in the middle of my activity the feel of the morning hari raya will come, make me scared. I feel like my grand mother is here watching me. So creep!
The smell..that I can't explain, was came this evening when I wash my hair after came back from jogging. It's came from conditioner or shampoo or what ever....may be the soap..which remember me to my grand mother and the feeling of the morning in hari raya. The smell from the past that never gone from my mind. Is it a trauma or phobia?
